Now it wasn’t that I *wanted* to get dressed up to go out (I had been comfortable just lounging around the house in my comfy pants and my surgical camisole), but it was our book club night and we had a special guest lined up. One of our book club members had entered a contest online and had won! National Best Selling Author, Jane Porter, was flying to MN to take our book club out to dinner! I had read two of her books and I really didn’t want to miss it. I was looking forward to getting out of the house for the first time since surgery, but the “dressing up” part had me in tears. L
I struggled to find a shirt that fit the way that I wanted it to. It needed to be big enough to fit all three of my drainage tubes and bulbs underneath, but I didn’t want to look like a big circus tent in the process! After painfully trying on multiple shirts (raising my arms above my head was a difficult task at the time), I decided there was no getting around it….I was just not going to be happy with whatever shirt I selected.
Looking at myself in the mirror, I had tears streaming down my face. Getting dressed up did not have that same “feel good” feeling anymore. I was bald, overweight, had ugly, discolored fingernails, and my shirt had voids where it shouldn’t have had any. Aaron saw the pain in my face and greeted me with a warm hug and reassuring words that only he could give.
I *NEVER* thought that it would be this difficult! When I first got my diagnosis I was more upset about losing my hair then losing anything else, but now that I had lost both my chest and my hair I felt sad. I didn’t feel feminine at all and that was really hard to swallow. As hard and as painful as that was for me, I knew that it was only temporary, so I took a deep breath and went downstairs to wait for my ride.
I was very thankful my friend Angie offered to pick me up for book club that night. She had been through a similar medical journey and had constantly been there for me, offering a listening ear and many words of support along the way. Her support continued that night as the floodgates opened and I tearfully told her how I was feeling. She validated my feelings and offered encouragement as I tried to prepare myself to go out into the public eye.
Thankfully the rest of the evening was lovely…good food, good conversation….it was just what I needed!
The following day, my friend Steph spent the day running around to different doctors appointments with me. She held my hand when the surgeon removed my drainage tubes, she took notes when I talked with my oncologist and sat with me during my Herceptin treatment. I was blessed to have her there with me and appreciated the support she provided.
It was the first time I had met with my oncologist after surgery and I really wanted to talk more in depth with her about this notion of being “cancer free”. It was a light-hearted appointment and we shared many laughs and hugs along the way. She told me that they rarely have this kind of response to chemotherapy treatments and she was extremely pleased. I asked her what this meant moving forward and she said that I would need to come in for check-ups on a regular basis and that I should let her know if I detect any weird lumps, bumps or pain along the way. She also prescribed a new drug for me to take called Tamoxifen. What is Tamoxifen? Best way for me to describe it is to copy text straight off of WebMD:
Tamoxifen
is the most commonly used hormone therapy for the treatment of breast cancer.
Many
women have breast cancer that tests positive for estrogen receptors (ER+). This
means that estrogen promotes the growth of the breast cancer cells. Tamoxifen
blocks the effects of estrogen on these cells. It is often called an
"anti-estrogen."
Tamoxifen
slows or stops the growth of cancer cells that are already present in the body.
It helps keep the original breast cancer from coming back and helps prevent new
cancer in the opposite breast.
I will take Tamoxifen daily for the next 5-10 years and the possible side effects include….stroke, blood clots and hot flashes. Here’s hoping the side effects for this drug stay far, far away from me!
That’s enough for today….thanks for following along. More blog entries to come regarding my radiation therapy, etc…
Enjoy your Fourth of July holiday!
Love to all…
Nae
